In My Life…

Today, I feel as if I’ve come full circle. Have you ever felt that? I totally recommend it…It’s an amazingly joyful, spiritual and emotional experience. I wish for everyone to have this moment once in their lives but today…I’m glad it’s all mine. I’m holding it close to my heart and never letting it go again.

As a 15-year-old, like most teens, I was a lost soul. Finding my religion, my sexual identity, and dealing with the divorce of my parents made for a confusing time. I had a lot of responsibility…being alone now, my mom worked a lot. I also had to work, had school, and had to take care of my sister who was 5 years younger than me. I remember just wanting to go away…far away…preferably California. It was during this time, being Catholic, I was about to make my confirmation and was required to go on a weekend retreat. Imagine the thrill!! haha NOT. I fought tooth and nail to get out of it…nothing worked…had to go. Got on a bus and headed out to hang with a bunch of people I didn’t even know. Lots of emotion..anger being one. Little did I know that this would be life changing. The object of a spiritual retreat is obviously, to bring you closer to God and if all goes as it should, you are rebaptized…and I was.

“T” was one of a group of adults who were there to share and speak during the weekend…and almost instantly, there was a connection…a strong one. Where she was…there was warmth and I was drawn to it. The retreat ended but this did not end my involvement with the church. I went on many more retreats and became a group leader myself…very involved in trying to help other teens find their way. My relationship with “T” continued to grow. I wanted to be with her all the time…I’m sure I was a nuisance but she never, EVER made me feel like I was bothering her. She unselfishly spent time with me…inviting me into her life. To this day, I don’t know why it was me out of all those kids? Why was I the lucky one to be given such a gift? If I needed her, she was there…I needed to talk on the phone…she was there. I continued my journey in trying to find who I was…supressing feelings of attraction to the same-sex, I had a boyfriend but actually thought about becoming a nun. Being gay back then was NOT what it is today. Coming out was FRIGHTENING while today, I have friends who view it as a celebration of finding themselves and teens think nothing of expressing their sexuality by being proud of who they are. For me, it was not that way and at 15 I was searching for a way to be able to live my life keeping this huge secret hidden OR even better…to make it go away. I never told “T” my secret until our last meeting a few years later….I didn’t have to. She was a safe haven for me. When I was with her, I wasn’t different and my mind was busy with other things. Music! Oh…what gifts of music she gave me. Songs that I still carry with me. Special memories resurface with every note and lyric. Those are precious to me and remain private.

The last time I saw her, a few years had gone by and I was out of the closet…I was maybe 21 years old. I had drifted from the church and obviously, did not become a nun. Instead, I was hitting the gay bars, working jobs that paid enough for me to enjoy my newly found sexual freedom and partying ALOT. Anyway, It was a bittersweet meeting and I guess, it became a goodbye because I never saw her again. That being said, I thought of her often over the years….wondered where her life had taken her…if she was happy…if she was healthy… but didn’t really know how to go about finding  the answers?

Fast forward 30+ years…technology is my friend. I love everything about it…I love the social aspect of the internet….Facebook, Twitter, now WordPress. My life today is almost a complete open book except for those things I know should be kept private. I have incredible support from my family, friends, coworkers. I have a wonderful life with my partner of almost 13 years. Life is good. Imagine my surprise when I did a friend search last week for my “T”…I had searched before and came up empty-handed but this time was GOLDEN! There she was…I knew that face…that smile…that warmth.  We spoke yesterday and her voice was so familiar and beautiful…it was so important to me to be able to tell her the difference that she made  in my life and to be able to thank her…because before yesterday, I never did.

As I write this, I’m advising you to hold on to those who are special to you. Don’t let them go…you’ll lose. I lost years of a beautiful friendship and I regret it.

“T” on this day…your Birthday…I honor you. An amazing woman who made a difference in the life of a young girl. You are partly responsible for the person I am today. I thank you and I love you dearly.

Deb xoxo

~ by ribettefan on March 14, 2010.